#fightingcancer

Hey there, it's Monday. Slap myself. I still haven't complete my assignments.
One down and one more to go.
Decided to come and blog, besides taking a break.
2 cups of coffee today, not nescafe, so it's not too bad I guess. I don't have abnormal heartbeat rates compared to that time when I drank nescafe. *touch wood* Besides coffee, a glass of brand's essence too. All prepared to stay up after two-weeks of sleep -.-

SO, I'M FINALLY DONE WITH ONE. FINALLY.

This is just a random one. My secret weapons to settle emergencies when dealing with zac! :D

Just wanna take this opportunity to share something.
I found this from facebook, which one of my college friends has been sharing around. And, I guess now, it's spread to even more places around the world. take a look!
Yea, I know what's in your mind. I don't know the person, is it real? All these kinds of thoughts and doubts will surely appear in your mind. Frankly speaking, I don't know her in personal too.
But, can we just spend a minute or two to go through her post and help to spread the news around? Even if we can't help, someone outside there may help. It's just as easy as pressing the 'share' button in facebook or to 'retweet' in twitter.
Please, please, please, she needs help. If you have a twitter account, mention this in your tweet #fightingcancer and help to trend!
Anyone who wish to help her financially, I can help to get her account number through my friend.

God knows.

now studies will be my main priority.
and God, who knows the best.

will.

Unforgettable date, unforgettable day.

last. minute. work. AGAIN.

why am I awake at this hour?
-same old problem-
last minute work.
almost done, yea i hope 'almost done' with one, and haven't touch at all for the other.
school reopens on monday.
well done, never change, when will you change? never.

wish me luck.

baba

wordy wordy

wordy wordy post. ANTI.
gives me a headache.
that's my problem, whenever I'm in the mood, I pour out all.

lalala~ 
shorter, shorter. i try.

just a short break for myself after being able to concentrate and do my work for... almost an hour? that's pretty good enough okayyyyyyyyyyy.

i'm so eager to go to church.
feel like joining saturday's youth service, should I? :)

baba
Jolene

July

School is starting soon, back to the hectic college life.
The new time table is out, pretty satisfied with it for now I guess. It's not so packed as our previous one.
It's July, I'm counting down for my birthday, still as childish as usual :) I just have to accept myself for who I am, be happy with myself, be thankful :)

I wish, I wish to stop wasting...... FOOD, TIME, MONEY...........
Feel so guilty for this bad habit. WASTE.

I need to change, but also not forgetting to be myself too :)

Off to my work. Bye.

tweet.

I may not be here so;
follow me in twitter :)

Hello people, how's life.
It's been ages since I last touched on my blog. I will assure you that this is going to be a wordy one, but I don't care. I just want to crap to the max, and forget about it, and be myself.

Yup, it has been almost three months since I shifted down to Johor. I'm still surviving people, so don't worry. It was a shocking piece of news, none of us could really accept it. I remembered I was still sleeping on bed that morning, received mum's call about her receiving her letter, we would be shifting in a week's time. My first reaction, CRY. Yup, I cry a lot, cry for everything. I cried my heart out. Spent that week with my beloved friend, Xuewah. Thank her a lot for accompanying me, for understanding all my feelings, for lending me her hand to fetch me in and out. Really appreciate it. All I thought that time was my feelings, my feelings and my feelings. I was sad, I couldn't bear to leave things behind, I wasn't really willing to shift. I didn't really have a chance to thank her, didn't really know to appreciate things that she had done for me at that time. Felt really sorry, a big thank you I would like to say to her. and of course, a big hug.

Was so sad to leave Temerloh. Shifting down here, wasn't really please with the house we rented. It's small compared to our old house, it's dirty, it's ugly. Everything is just temporary. My feelings, all I cared was for my feelings. Didn't know to appreaciate anything.

After that, didn't get into poly. Was all lost. What am I going to do? Didn't apply for jpa, didn't apply for matrix. What am I suppose to do? Realising the final choice was form six. My feelings, I don't want to go for form six, back in uniforms, back into school life, and even worse to a new school. At last, got to know about sunway college by chance, just all of a sudden, mum called up and thought I should give myself a try. This 'TRY' cost about 16k. The third day of college life, I felt depressed with the stressful life, with the need of catching up with time, the all new environment, being left out feelings, and wanted to quit ausmat. Didn't appreciate mum's effort of trying to please me to allow me to give myself a try. Didn't understand about the family's situation.


Now, taking up ausmat really taught me to handle things in a different way. College life is not same at all as compared to secondary school's life, especially pre-u. I can assure you, whether it's ausmat, a levels... Everything is like, no matter how stressed you are, you just have to hang on there and complete whatever which is needed to be completed. You have no choice but to continue until you finish it. Yea, you can cry, like I always did. After crying, YOU STILL NEED TO FACE IT. Yah, you can enjoy life, watch tv, go for shopping, waste your time sleeping like me! At the end, suffer the consequences on your own! In ausmat, I also learned to accept low, really low marks. Accept the fact that my marks will never go high. Having tests everyday frustrates me, the marks frustrates more. I failed for my maths in my evaluation exam. And for other subjects, I know what to expect. Nothing is easy. NOTHING. 


Currently on my two weeks holidays, which left with 5 more days. OMG. Two more assignments..........

full of questions and doubts.

I can't sleep, no matter how I tried, I can't sleep..
how...........

full of questions and doubts, who can answer? only you, my Father.

I don't want to give up, because I love you. I have to be strong.

God, why... I have so many questions to ask You Lord.

I won't give up.

This kind of mix feelings, who will understand?

yucksss :(

where does the smell come from?
I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I don't want to hate you, cute fishhhhhhh....

confused

what's wrong, what's correct?

or..

everything is wrong....

HELLO :D

I'm so free everyday and I can't believe I haven't got my blog a new post. The last post was 27/1, not that bad though.
I actually did two long post, supposed to be a long one, bout my previous Hong Kong trip and my chinese new year + special appointment. But then, I failed. I didn't complete it. Now just a summary of all.

Chinese new year for this year was quite bored, quite meaningless. The first and second day was nothing but sleeping. Hahaha, still remember that all of us were not in our new clothes, but our pyjamas. New trend for this year, in order to get angpows from the adults, we were asked to give 5/10 cny wishes. God bless you!! haha. Nothing special except spending time with my little baby cousin, zachary. He is just so cute and adorable, when you look at him, I guarantee all the worries and sadness in you will just disappear. Cute zac zac, everyone wants him :) He brings smiles, laughter and happiness to everyone. No matter what he does, his innocent face will just melt your heart. :)

Talking about the special appointment, it's actually an appointment with the doctor, for my irregular menses. The first day I reached there, mum and aunt surprised me with it, ''your appointment is at 7pm tomorrow night''. I wasn't that nervous and scared before going.
While we were at the clinic, it was quite annoying. Despite having an appointment, we still waited for about one hour. Till the last minute, I was told that I need to keep my urine in order to do the scan. So, I drank a bottle of water immediately. First time in my life that I finished a bottle of water in 5-10 minutes. Those who knows me, especially xuewah, knows I ''LOVE'' water the most. Went in and come out again because the doctor said I wasn't ready yet, so, more water. Waited 15 minutes + another 5 minutes.

Finally, get to scan and know the problem. I got the photo, but it's okay. I actually have a cyst in my right ovary. Not knowing what a cyst is, it was quite scary looking at the photo. But it was a real small one so the doctor said it was okay. The big problem I have is, I'm malnutrition, too thin and my body is shutting down. The doctor even described that my body is undergoing starvation period. And know what, my weight was 38.8kg. Scaryyyyyyy. Don't have appetite, tired easily, hair fall, all because I'm lack of nutrients. So now, I need to reach the target which is 43kg before I see him the next time in May. Anyway, I trust in God. Nothing is serious, just that I need to gain weight. :)

My current life. Preparing lunch from Monday to Wednesday for mum and joel, get tired and lazy on Thursday and Friday, lunch outside. haha. I'm real lazy nowadays. No one can ever imagine how messy is my room now, before cny I didn't clear them, and after cny, I haven't even unpack my stuffs. I'm just so lazyyyyy. After waking up, take my meals and back to sleep. Arghhhhhh. I'm just not in the mood for anything, just please, I don't want to lose my appetite again. :( Looking at the plate of rice just now, I began to feel ''bored, tired and lazy'' with it. PLEASE DON'T START IT AGAIN. I need to gain weight!!!!

Proud of myself, finishing a blog post for today :) No cny photos, not even a single one was taken. Only one I took with my dearest cel. That's all for now.Time to rest :)


* Love for money is the root of all evil. Found it in the bible. Can't forget which verse already.

roller coaster

Cel, you posted this before? It seems familiar to me. huhuhu

let go, let God.

Rotting at home is just soooo bored. Sometimes, I just don't wish to wake up from bed. Once waking up, I need to think what to eat, what to do and all. That annoys me. I'm currently having 1 and a half meal only everyday I guess, because I really don't have the appetite to eat, to think of what to eat. Hence, even if you give me my most favourite food, I won't be able to eat too. Getting thinner, don't like! :( I don't like to be fat either, it's just that it will be quite irritating people asking, why are you so skinny??? Mum even scare me, if you continue not eating, you won't be able to wear yr clothes during cny. hahaha. But, I just don't have the appetite to eat, any ways to improve? :(

Sometimes, words just can't express how you feel, and what you want to say.

Learnt from a meaningful post of a friend. Arguments usually end with ''explain and accept''. If this happens in the first place, there won't be any arguments.. It's true in fact. With more patience, love and understanding in the beginning, I guess all arguments will just disappear and stop.

Quarrels always happen when I'm not in the mood, and Joel starts asking me to help on his homework. After studying for more than 11 years, my mind sometimes just can't funtion, especially ya, when I'm not in the mood. He will non stop irritate me when I'm watching my favourite tv programme, and I will straight yell at him. I'm a evil sister I know. haha. Who can only do one thing in one time. Somehow, I feel pity for him. He doesn't know how to do, and that's why he asks for guidance. I always criticize his work, his handwriting this and that, and that's when he started to become angry and asked his friends instead of me. Useless sister right. So yea, he is the only brother I have. No matter what, that's the fact. In sense of love or responsibility, I need to help and guide him. So, I'm learning to have more patience with him! Try to help with his homework and all. He always asked me to play monopoly and rummy-o with him, that day I finally agreed. And, we had a wonderful time. No more arguments with yr own brother k, Jolene!

From google, this is exactly what I want to say today.

Yea, exactly. Things which are beyond our control, we shall just leave it and let it flow accordingly. My new quote. As long as we tried our best, in everything, there are still things that we can't control, but He can control. Jesus says, don't worry. If God says don't worry, who am I to disobey his words right. Sometimes, we just need to let go, and let Him. It's so true right, to be happy, one need to stop the worries. To stop worrying, one need to let go things, and let Him.

I don't know why, ''things beyond your control'' keep coming into my mind. And I decided to share about it today. Maybe, God has been telling me to let go, and let Him. Let go and stop worrying, go towards happiness. Leave all the worries to God, and enjoy life! One thing that I'm sure, when I'm happy, people around me will be happy.
Not pulling to tight to the string, gives me a sense of relief. I don't know whether this is correct or not, but I'm feeling better. And, I will be better. :)

i don't understand.

Chose to be a coward.

I need you so badly now, do you know that?

future.

Another day passed. Time flies. It's 21st of January already. I'm just feeling so bored of my current life. Guess what, I miss my studies. I miss my books. I miss the life I used to rush and study. Unexpectedly, I miss my Biology and Sejarah -.- It's very awkward I know. I just can't help with myself, sleeping until 12++, even 2++ for yesterday, I can just lie on the bed whole day perhaps. I can't wait to start my study life huh.. I know it's going to be real difficult, but for now, as I'm bored to the max, I'm looking forward to it.

However, if you ask me, 'what are you going to study'? or.. 'where are you going to study?' Opps.. Sorry, I think I can't answer these questions yet. I'm pretty worried with my results. I scared after making those plans and taadaaa... my results ruin everything. Never expect too much to avoid disappointments. That's the fact. I have given my best, I have to accept the outcome. That's also a fact. I wish to have 10 A+, get a scholarship and go overseas to study. Is that possible? Haha. Don't know why, I'm smiling. I know, maybe you will tell me that I should have hopes, but I know that won't happen. Or maybe some will say I'm over confident, don't dream la. Haha. That's really my dream people. Yea, currently very stressed because of my future. What's your ambition people? Having an ambition is one thing, being able or not to achieve it, is another thing. Having fear in everything, this really troubles me.

Conclusion, still no decision made yet. Still stressed and scared. Scared I may choose the wrong route, choose the wrong course. Let's just pray!!!!!!!!!!! Satan you can neverrrrrrrrr trouble me. Don't shake my confidenceeeeeeeeeeeeee. huhuhuhuhuhu. Worries and fear, get out of me :(

p/s getting my license tomorrow ;)

pass :)

It's 12.30am. I'm still awake, my boy is doing his revision, I'm installing the sims,an old old game. I'm too bored. Yea, so yesterday, I passed my driving test. woohooo.. Finally, get everything done with the driving thing. :))) I'm happy happy. On friday I will get my license. I think I still dare not drive. hahaha.

Life is bored for me now. He is busy studying, while I'm enjoying my life. Mum asked me to enjoy my life first, once I start with my studies, no more enjoying. haha. So, random thoughts will come to my mind all of a sudden. Just like playing the sims. Nowadays, I'm the chef in the house. :) Prepare lunch for mum and Joel everyday. I can cook simple dishes! hahaha. don't play play ar..

Thinking bout my spm results, that really frustrates me. I'm getting more and more worried, keep recalling bout what I did for the papers. Super scary. Really pray for my results....

Off to enjoy my game. bye!!

life.

It's a hard and bad day for me today. I actually ruined my qti, test before the real one in driving. I don't know what's qti in words, whatever. Yea, I was panic like mad, really felt there were butterflies in my stomach. Ya the main reason it was because I was so nervous and I was not used to in using another car. So yea, the engine kept going off, the first time I went in the car, I didn't even realise everything was not on yet. Everything was so terrible. The slope, I didn't reach where I supposed to be, and after that I knocked on one of the poles. Everyone was in a shocked, giving out sounds and laughters, the moment I got out of the car, everyone was like staring at me.

It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't wait to get out of that place. So I failed the first time. I was given time to practice a few times later, then I think I managed to do it?? On the road test, just a short journey. I was still so panic. I forgot to check the 7 things I was supposed to do. At the end of it, he reminded me and marked few on my paper. Then he signed and stated that I passed. I was finally going home. A sense of relief in my heart. FINALLY, I thought. Next Tuesday will be my real test, will I be able get it done? Lets pray and hope that I won't ruin it :(

I don't like, I know I'm very sensitive type, I seriously don't like people staring at me. I can't withstand the pressure. I don't like people laughing at me :( I broke down straight after I reached home :(
I met yeemun, she actually came to fetch me :) It was her first lesson. She did well :) Unlike my first time -.-
And muhillan text me this evening and told me he saw me. I didn't see him anyway. Maybe I was just too upset with the whole thing :( Just hope everything will be fine next week.

I realised I tend to get panic and ruin things when it's something new, or it's a first day, competition etc. I still remember my first day of primary school, I wore my socks, I was rather nervous and frightened, and I wore my slippers with my socks to school :) When I reached at the gate, mum realised. And, we had too return home to get my brand new white school shoes. Competition, I think I ruined my state level public speaking competition. We all had to answer a question given on the spot. I didn't know the meaning of the question. That's when I knew everything is over. I bang it with my own story, stupid childish meaningless story. I still remember the word, GADGET! I certainly need to improve on this! To have more confidence in myself.


Today is definitely a bad day. Still, you need to know, I love you.

overcoming the fear...

Thank God, with a little confidence He gave, I'm glad that I did it better today :) I managed to do parking and the turning and the slope on my own. Although few times the engine went off, at least I managed to go up and stay at the slope. Pretty satisfied with myself today. Fortunately, my mummy and my boy encouraged me to go today or else I will get even more panic and may forget the steps they said. So, I decided to go. Nevertheless, on the road was.... okay, it's better than yesterday, but I tend to forget to change to lower gear when I need to slow down. To speed, I never forget to change. HAHA. The teacher suggested that I can go for my qti already. I will call him tomorrow and see how. Tonight I want to have a really good rest first.

The lights in my room spoiled. Tried to change myself but it's still not working. Know what, I actually took my brother's kh book to check what's wrong with it. I got the way of changing but I don't need that actually. The problems of the lamp are not there. :( Too bad, shall ask mum what to do with it tomorrow.


I went to church this morning. The message was long, didn't really understand it because I was super duper sleepy :( Almost fell asleep. Very very bad. I agree with Dr Liew, we should prepare our heart to worship our heavenly Father. Be prepared, that should be the correct way, be prepared both physically and mentally. How can I worship with all my heart when I'm actually sleepy, even argue with mum before entering the church, was arguing because I wanted to skip the driving lesson, and she said no. My mood was totally ruined. Angry, grumpy, tired and sleepy mood. So yea, I will make sure I try to sleep earlier next saturday night and wake up earlier to get myself prepared.
Heart of worship, we all should have it :)

Today, I'm going to sleep in mummy's room. Good night people :)

1st post of 2011

The last post was last year, 2010. I'm currently rotting at home but I'm just too lazy to update my blog. I'm enjoying the process of sleeping and watching tv at home everyday. Although it's quite bored, to be honest, I love it :) However, I started my driving lessons already. Yesterday was the 2nd, I'm supposed to have my third one later(today). I think I shall give myself a break maybe? I'm very, super duper scared and panic. I want to get it done soon, so I tend to push myself more. I end up being over-stressed now -.- I seriously can't use both my legs and hands together and CORRECTLY at the same time. My mind is too slow or too fast sometimes. Oh really.. I wish to get it over very very soon. To my teacher, thanks for being patient with me :) I have to tell myself, yes I can do it.

I'm tired, grumpy, stressed and sleepy.
Goodnight
Happy 17th ♥